A Garden Party Atom & Eve - Pitching The Pitchfork

Satan: An Autobiography - Yehuda Berg 2010

A Garden Party Atom & Eve
Pitching The Pitchfork


We touched on Creation in Chapter Two, but let’s take a closer look at our humble beginnings. There are some things you need to know regarding the whole Garden of Eden debacle. I think there’s a sub-plot in that story that usually gets overlooked.

The Creator conceived you in a supremely luminous and perfect reality. But you were practically unconscious. Why? Utter perfection was all you knew. You had no frame of reference by which to appreciate the life that was handed to you on a silver platter. So, you packed your bags and went on a road trip. You wanted to experience lack so that you could appreciate what you were given.

You wanted to earn the Light that was being handed to you.

And God understood this perfectly. After all, God is the king of unconditional love, right? God respected your desire to leave home; God knew you needed to spend time living bare-bones, roughing it, living hand to mouth. God knew that your separating was an inevitable and necessary step in the process. How else could you learn to cease taking all that you had for granted?

And so, like any good parent, God gave you some advice. Not only should you take an extra pair of clean socks, but God said it was absolutely imperative that you stay away from all selfish indulgences. They would just undermine the whole purpose of your journey, resulting in an even longer and far more painful expedition. Not to mention they would delay your return home. God cautioned you one last time against accepting any kind of short-term pleasure in place of the real thing. He reiterated emphatically:

Don’t touch the stuff,

no matter what!

Three very important words.

You understood. And you left.


Your first stop on the trip was to another reality, deep in the subatomic realm. Of course there’s no physicality at this level of existence (scientists and I concur on this one), so you didn’t bother bringing along your favorite jeans. In this immaterial dimension of existence, you were only a rarified state of consciousness. Here only the idea of jeans exists.

This pure force of consciousness consisted not only of you, but of all consciousness. This single super-consciousness gave rise to Adam and Eve. And the dimension in which this unified force of consciousness resided is known as the Garden of Eden.

While you were out enjoying the scenery, God was missing you terribly. And He wanted to give you the chance to come home ASAP. So, God came up with an idea. Instead of your having to go through a long painful journey, God created me to test you without you even knowing it. God’s ingenious plan would allow you to resist pleasure and get you back home in time for the holidays. From this good-willed action on the part of God, I, Satan, was born. Feel free to join in:

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Satan, happy birthday to you!

I was created to challenge your consciousness. The test? You either overcome my temptation for immediate gratification and pleasure, as God asked you to do before you left the house, or you succumb to my powers of persuasion and thus prolong your wandering.

Here’s how it all played out.

I pointed out to you an indescribably pleasurable fruit hanging from a tree (I don’t have to tell you that it was not a physical fruit, like an apple; we’re talking about a reality made of consciousness, pure energy).

You refused. You remembered that God told you not to indulge in any pleasure until you returned home—no matter what.

I then told you that the fruit on the tree was not just some ordinary, run-of-the-mill fruit. It was sure to be a real treat. Why? It tasted just like the fruit waiting for you at home.

But you realized that the whole purpose of your journey was to avoid pleasure in order to appreciate it. And then I explained the following to you: I told you that God sent this fruit as a test to help you. This was true. I told you that all you had to do was resist all selfish desire before tasting it. If you ate it for the sake of making God happy, you would pass the test and your road trip would be over.

I then told you to take a bite. You pushed back. You told me that God said not to taste any pleasure until you returned home—no matter what! I responded by telling you that you had misunderstood the message. God wanted you to come home provided there was a way to achieve it. Removing all selfish desire—before you tasted that fruit—would be a painful enough action to make you worthy of returning home. Now I had your full attention.

I told you that if you ate unselfishly you would pass the test. And you would not be transported to some far-off, God-forsaken region of reality to continue your wandering. The truth of my words rose up inside of you.

You focused. Like a laser. You concentrated all your effort to remove every ounce of self-centered desire from your being. Then, you took a bite. And it worked. Nothing bad happened. On the contrary, you were engulfed with indescribable pleasure.

And that, boys and girls, is the precise moment that I, Satan, was placed inside you.

Before you had taken a bite from the fruit, I was a force that existed outside of you. But once you ate from the proverbial apple, I was injected, like a virus, into you. And you didn’t know what hit you. In fact, when I first started whispering to you, you panicked; you thought you were schizophrenic, hearing voices. I calmed you down and convinced you I was just the voice of reason inside of you. But I was really mixing truth with lies to deceive you, and to steer you away from the original plan.

Once I was inside of you, you began to feel sick over what you had done. The shame was overpowering. And once you experienced that shame, I owned you. You were mine. At that moment, you disconnected from the Light that was once all you knew. You left the Garden of Eden. You were not kicked out, as you have been led to believe; the shame was so intense, you chose to leave.

As you can imagine, from that point, my influence grew like an unchecked tumor. And just like that, I became the dominant consciousness occupying your brain, the real you concealed behind the curtains and the disgrace I put in your head. This, my friends, was the birth of low self-esteem, my tried-and-true weapon against you.

And this is why you have no idea that I exist, and why you believe you and I are one and the same. You think your selfish thoughts are you, and that’s why you give up. Once you truly know it’s me, and not you, you will be able to fight me; you will be secure enough to share. You will know that you are like God.


The task of overcoming me was almost too great to achieve once I had become so entrenched within you. God saw this and, although he promised not to interfere, he decided to split up the workload. The one super-consciousness of Adam and Eve was disassembled into countless smaller particles of consciousness. These became the building blocks of the entire cosmos. They created everything, from the human body to the selfish survival instinct that governs the entire human race.

Once you triumph over this preprogrammed consciousness, you will conquer death and return home—which simply means that happiness will be yours forever. Home is not in some far-away dimension. Home is a state of unending happiness. And that is what God is. Nothing more. Nothing less.


God created a way for you to make up for what you did, to grow from your mistake—to feel worthy when you feel like nothing.

God wanted to show you how strong you are and how much you are really capable of.

God wanted you to increase the size of your Vessel, to grow your potential so you could have so much more.

God wanted you to cleanse and remove the blocks I created when I entered your psyche.

How did God set out to accomplish this feat?

By testing you. And by enlisting me to be the Teacher’s Aide.